How Islam Teaches Us to Treat our Spouses with the Best of Manners

Islamic manners“…And live with them in kindness (ma‘rūf). For if you dislike them—perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.” – Quran 4[An-Nisa]:19

Imagine standing before Allah on the Day of Judgment. Your salah is counted, your fasting recorded, and your charity is intact. But then you’re asked: “How did you treat the one who shared your home, your food, your bed, your dreams, and your pain?” What will be your response?

Knowing the right responses to the questions above tell us that marriage is not just about love; it is also an emotional and spiritual responsibility. Excellence in marriage is not measured by anniversaries or grand gestures, but by manners in relating with our spouses. The way you speak, listen, forgive, and support your spouse matters. And yet, this is where many of us fall short because at the heart of any successful and peaceful marriage lies good manners.

It’s easy to put on a smile and speak kindly to strangers, colleagues, and guests. But what about the person you have chosen to live and share your life with; who you have built a family with and whose daily routines are intertwined? Many of us fall short or fail totally in our spousal duties and responsibilities because when the routines become familiar and stress creeps in, our true character is often revealed.

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ emphasized the importance of good character not just in our public life, but within the home as well. He said:

“The best of you are those who are best to their families, and I am the best among you to my family.” – Tirmidhi

Notice how Allah’s Noble Prophet did not say: “the best at praying,” or “the most knowledgeable,” but “the best to their families.” This hadith realigns our idea of excellence. True Islamic excellence is not just how you treat people in the community, mosque or online, but also how you treat your spouse when no one is watching you but Allah.

The Prophetic Example of a Model Husband

The Prophet ﷺ was the embodiment of good manners in every situation, especially with his wives. He was gentle, patient, and emotionally intelligent. He didn’t belittle, mock, or harshly criticize. He listened attentively, helped with chores, and created a sense of safety and love in his home.

His wife Aisha (RA) once described the Prophet ﷺ as someone who would stitch his own clothes, mend his own sandals, and serve his family at home. Imagine the message this sent, not just to his wives, but to the entire ummah: that there is no loss of manhood in expressing kindness to your household.

Remember, no man had more responsibilities than the Prophet ﷺ. Yet he was soft, loving, and attentive to his wives.

Aisha (RA) said: “He used to be in the service of his family. And when the time for prayer came, he would leave for prayer.” – Bukhari

He didn’t consider helping at home as a thing unbefitting or beneath him. He never struck his wives. He joked, listened, and even raced with Aisha (RA). When she became jealous or upset, he responded with understanding, not anger.

One night, Aisha (RA) followed him out of curiosity. When she returned, he said gently:

“Did you think that Allah and His Messenger would be unfair to you?”
 (Muslim)

He didn’t mock her jealousy, he reassured her. That’s prophetic gentleness.

What Good Manners Should Look Like in Marriage

Good manners in marriage are not just social niceties, they are acts of ‘ibadah – worship. Treating your spouse with kindness, respect, and mercy is a sign of you having God consciousness. It weighs greatly on your scale of deeds.

Every couple will face challenges. Even the Prophet ﷺ and his wives were not exempted. They disagreed but his character never changed. Anger is not a license to insult, hit, or belittle your better half. The Prophet ﷺ never did that. Rather, he ﷺ would advise:

“The strong is not the one who overcomes people by his strength, but the one who controls himself while in anger.” – Bukhari & Muslim

Good character towards your spouse should feel like the following:

• Speaking Kindly: No sarcasm, insults, or passive aggression. Do not make mockery nor belittle them in front of others. Your tone matters as much as your words.
• Listening Attentively: Don’t interrupt. Don’t “half-listen” while scrolling on your phone. Give your spouse your full attention.
• Being Patient: Your spouse will make mistakes, just as you do. Patience and forgiveness are better than constant criticism.
• Expressing Gratitude: A simple “thank you” goes a long way. Acknowledging your spouse’s efforts builds love and respect.
• Maintaining Boundaries: Avoid raising your voice, using abusive language, or resorting to threats. These are contrary to Islamic character.
• Being Gentle in Disagreement: Disagreements will happen. The goal is not to win arguments, but to protect the bond that you share.
• Seek Help: Speak to an Islamic counsellor if needed. It is not a weakness, but a form of wisdom and strength.
• Fulfill their rights as obliged upon you.

Your Marriage Is a Test and an Opportunity

Your spouse is not just your partner. They are your test, your mirror, and often your path to Paradise. Each time you speak gently, overlook a mistake, or choose kindness over ego, you’re writing a beautiful chapter in your Book of Good Deeds.

Therefore, ask yourself sincerely:

• Have I been merciful like the Prophet ﷺ?
• Have I been grateful for this person Allah entrusted to me?
• Am I fulfilling my amanah in this marriage?

Don’t wait for your spouse to change. Start with your own character. Let the Sunnah guide your love. Let your marriage be a garden where good manners grow—and where both of you walk hand in hand, toward Jannah. May Allah bless you and your spouse enormously. Amin!