Contentment Against Comparison

Aminah got her phone from the table and scrolled through her Facebook feeds, then she made a deep sigh “hmmmm”, yet again, her feed was filled with her friends’ achievements. She saw a picture of one of her old classmates who said to have currently relocated to Canada.

Aminah had attempted getting a relocation visa after her Masters program since she is yet to get married,  she thought it would be a nice idea to move away from her uncle’s persisting questions of “why are we yet to meet your husband?”. This question don’t only leave Aminah devastated, it also make her remember how her father had died few years ago because the family couldn’t afford the hospital bills to have him sent to India for a lung surgery. As the eldest of her siblings,  Aminah is left with the responsibilities of supporting her mother with caring for everyone including her aged grandparents with whom they share the four rooms apartment built by their father.

“Why are others finding life easier than I am?” Aminah finally said her thoughts out. She wanted to know,  because this is how she really feels, especially when she goes through her social media platforms, she wasn’t doing anything exciting like her friends. At first it started as self-condemning and hate and now she was jealous and pained.

Every post about a wedding reminds Aminah of how she and Ahmad ended. They were both promising together until it was time for them to visit each other’s parents and she suggested they should have a medical screening done for compatibility, she was confident she was AA until the first test said otherwise, then she tried five other clinics. Unfortunately, they both ended up being AS, and that was the end of their relationship and the beginning of Aminah’s challenges of seeking another suitor. Four years down the lane, she is still single while Ahmad had moved on with two kids already. Bittered Aminah had terrible attempt of suicidal thought which she is still getting over. The most devastating thing for Aminah on Facebook are some condemning post about single ladies in their thirties. 

“What is happening to me?”

Intimidation, comparison then jealousy. The root cause of intimidation comes from the never-ending habit humans- comparing themselves to others. We allow ourselves to be triggered by our insecurities and issues, especially when we see someone whom we perceive to not have the same problems as we do. The fact is that we would always find ourselves in difficult situations,  because every human has his/her own battle to conquer which of course are not in the same shapes as those around us. Everyone’s battle is unique and so is their path which can neither be replaced nor repeated. We all have our pains, worries and struggles on this transient journey,  a test for every son of Adam.

Nobody wants to feel jealous, however it is a struggle that we have to continuously win to help us better our Eeman. For many people, jealousy stems from minimizing what they have, or simply not genuinely appreciative of what they have. It can be something as “why is her life going smoother than mine?” , “why does he have to get married to her?”. The dark path of comparing oneself to another can be traced back to the beginning of human race; we all know the story of the two sons of Adam, Qabil and Habil. Jealousy and envy are one of the most destructive force in life. Of course,  you may not be happy about your life or that someone else has what you don’t. Yet, there is no justification for you to question Allah’s wisdom. 

When we sense that we are beginning to feel jealous,  the best is for us is to seek refuge in Allah from shaytan, for indeed, jealousy is the path to destruction and everlasting failure. Your situations may change bi idnillah,  however, if you do not repent from jealousy and envy, you will be doomed. May Allah protect us from the evil within us and the evil around us.

 

WAYS TO PREVENT JEALOUSY AND INTIMIDATION

1. Understand your thoughts and feelings
2. Change your mindset and protect your heart from internal or external factors that trigger you
3. Appreciate Allah’s bounties in your life

1.   UNDERSTANDING YOUR THOUGHTS and feelings

With social media,  comparison is at its peaks that it  becomes difficult to catch our thoughts. In the past, accomplishments are shared with immediate families, friends or relatives,  but now it is blown into the air. The food for thought is how come many celebrate their achievements but  never share their failures. A conscious person should be able to work on how he/she reacts to what is being shared on several platforms likewise understanding its effects or influences on his/her life decisions. We should not let the illusions affect our personal values and spirituality but should always be among those who thank Allah and seek His blessings and favors with patience. Allah is All-Sufficient,  All-Wise, He Knows what is best for us, according to the following hadith;

“There is not a man who calls upon Allah with a supplication, except that he is answered. Either it shall be granted to him in the world, or reserved for him in the Hereafter, or his sins shall be expiated for it according to the extent that he supplicated—as long as he does not supplicate for some sin, or for the severing of the ties of kinship, and he does not become hasty. They said: “O Messenger of Allah, and how would he be hasty?” He ﷺ said: “He says: ‘I called upon my Lord, but He did not answer me.”

2. CHANGING YOUR MIND, BODY AND HEART

There is no easy fix to stopping oneself from the disease of comparing oneself to others, the cure lies within us all. It starts with internalizing the key concept of how you view yourself and the world around you. A person cannot change his/her feelings or behavior until they are able to identify the factors that contribute to the feelings or behaviors. It is said that, to help break the cycle of believing or thinking that everyone’s life is better than yours, you need to REMEMBER that you are special and nobody can fulfill the purpose that Allah has planned for you! Yes, your life may not seem perfect like you envisage it to be or assume others are, yet you are not forsaken by Allah and you are a special being and a rare gem. Be patient with Allah and seek forgiveness, He will definitely ease your affairs.

If you internalize the fact that you are a person of irreplaceable value and that you are created by Allah to fulfill a purpose,  you will see yourself beginning to have an inner pull and call back from comparing yourself to others to being grateful to Allah.

Allah Says in the Qur’an:

“And He gave you from all you asked of Him. And if you should count the favor of Allah, you could not enumerate them. Indeed, mankind is [generally] most unjust and ungrateful.” (Qur’an 14:34)

Whenever you catch yourself thinking that everyone around you is lives better than you, take few moments to pay close attention to your thoughts about your self-worth. Low self-esteem can cause self-doubt which leads to minimizing good qualities and magnifying negative qualities (which we all have!). A person with low self-esteem would have a clouded view of the goodness they possess, everyone else will appear better than them by default. Negative experience can trigger low self-esteem,  but we shouldn’t let it sink us to self-condemning which is like questioning Allah’s Justice. May Allah protect us from such.

To improve self-esteem,  it is important we pay close attention to internal and external factors that contribute to how we feel about ourself. Likewise, we seek refuge in Allah from shaytan, as shaytan’s tactics is to assault your spirituality as well as tour emotional well-being.

Abu Huraira reported that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said:

Richness does not lie in the abundance of (worldly) goods but richness is the richness of the soul (heart, self)

 

Allah is All-Sufficient,  All-Wise. He Gives to His slaves even though it may look different from what they anticipate,  He, subhanahu waTalla, is Gracious. Hence, never think for a second that there is no bounties left for you!

 

3. APPRECIATE ALLAH’S BOUNTY IN YOUR LIFE

 

“And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, “If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.” (Qur’an 14:7)

 

Take few moments to reflect upon this Hadith and you would be amazed by how much Allah has blessed you with. While it is difficult to find ourselves thinking about these bounties when we are down, we are encouraged to have the habit of being grateful at all times such that it would be our default response to all situations. Always practice gratitude as a daily habit and you would be better at it bi idnillah.

 

You can start by identifying one thing you are grateful for every morning and one thing that you are grateful for before going to bed. When you are facing something traumatic or difficult, find at least one good thing that came out of that situation. This exercise does not take you away from the pain or difficulties completely but will help you pick life lessons from worst situations. This life lesson might be a new relationship that was formed: an increase in patience; a new opportunity or strength you did not have before; or a chance to help others in a similar situation. While the cloud looks dark, there is always a clearer day ahead, In shaa Allaah.

 

Umar bin Al-Khattab narrated that the Messenger of Allah (may Allah be pleased with him) said:

“If you were to rely upon Allah with the required reliance, then He would provide for you just as a bird is provided for, it goes out in the morning empty, and returns full.” (Jami` at-Tirmidhi, 2344)

Be consistent with doing good deeds, as that is one of the best ways to keep your heart firm and hopeful. We are reminded in the Qur’an, as well as the Sunnah, that possessions come and go, while good deeds last; so, amassing good deeds is far better than amassing goods. Good deeds increase us in rank and give us better provisions in the akhirah which is not only better, but permanent.

 

In summary,  if you are going to compare, compare yourself to previous versions of who you are or to people who have less than you.  Everyone is born into a unique set of circumstances that will set them on an exclusive trajectory that nobody else will be able to experience. Some people have similar interests, values, and family dynamics as you but nobody will ever have a life exactly like yours. Comparing one’s blessings to someone who you think has more than you will be of no benefit to you, whereas continually assessing your own growth to previous versions of yourself can increase your productivity and self-esteem.

 

Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children—like the example of a rain whose [resulting] plant growth pleases the tillers; then it dries and you see it turned yellow; then it becomes [scattered] debris. And in the Hereafter is severe punishment and forgiveness from Allah and approval. And what is the worldly life except the enjoyment of delusion.  (Qur’an 57:20)

Try your best to internalize perspective as a long-term goal which ultimately for a Muslim is striving towards Jannah. This mindset will help strengthen you and stabilize your mood whenever you feel intimidated or different from others. Keep in mind that Allah increases provision for whom He Wills, as said in Qur’an 13:26:

 

Allah extends provision for whom He wills and restricts [it]. And they rejoice in the worldly life, while the worldly life is not, compared to the Hereafter, except [brief] enjoyment.

Back to Aminah, she said a prayer she found about anxiety and sorrow from a sister’s wall. It is one of the prescribed prayers by the prophet (May Allah be pleased with him.) As she returned her “Fortress of the Muslim” back to her bookshelf,  she thought about how she examined her thoughts all this while and made herself a promise of self-love and gratitude. She realized her being overwhelmed with responsibilities, sorrow of no husband, and pain of financial deficiency were due to her lack of Contentment and more Comparison.

 

While there are things we cannot change or control,  there are several things within our reach that we have control over. Let’s ensure we embrace contentment and not comparison. Contentment leads to gratitude and is a hidden treasure to a happy life, and for one thing, we must be grateful Muslims whose end goal is Eternal Success which is Jannah.

 

May Allah count us among the successful ones in this life and hereafter.